LIfe in the Fishbowl

When Phil and I first got married, we talked about wanting to honor God with our lives and our marriage. We had no idea at the time what that would ultimately look like, but we were open to whatever the Lord set before us.

At the time, Phil was selling advertising, teaching guitar, and serving as worship leader at our church. God soon led him back into full-time ministry and I suddenly found myself to be a pastor's wife.

It was scary. Really scary. We were basically jumping off a cliff trusting the Lord to catch us. Phil had schooling in the ministry, was well versed in his bible and was ready to step into the role of Pastor. I was still a relatively new christian and had a lot of spiritual "Growing up" to do. So I worried.

What if folks didn't like the way I dressed or spoke? Normally I wouldn't care , but when your profession reflects on the Heavenly Father, you tend to take the little stuff seriously. What if I couldn't fulfill the duties of Pastor's Wife properly, and what are the duties of a Pastor's Wife anyway?????

So the first three years have gone by, and it has been a wonderful experience. Our church is like family. The people are great. But there are downsides. And today, for some reason, I am really feeling down.

For starters, your always being watched. How you walk, act, talk, dress-everything. Your children are always being watched. Yeesh, this one is a hard one. Phil and I have a large, blended family of 5 kids. My two, especially the oldest, responded to having a pastor for a step-dad the only way teenagers can: Sheer Rebellion. Sometimes I felt we came to church to provide the "Don't let your kids turn out like ours" example.

Then there is the pressure to be whatever your expected to be. I've been told many times that I don't have to feel that way and that no one has expectations. Not True. Deep down inside people want a neat, pretty, dressed-up representation. It's easier to deal with. I understand that. But I can't do it. The husband and kids come first and there are only so many hours in a day.

Next, the blunt appraisals. My husband and I have fielded complaints about what bible we use to teach from, what materials we use to teach youth group, what kind of music we play in church, whether or not I show up for every single service, even where the children and I sit during services. And how loud we do or don't sing, and whether or not we sing emphatically enough. And that is the short list.

Also difficult is learning how much of myself to share with church friends. Again, most people like a certain image of their leadership. Too much information spoils things. I've made the mistake of telling church girlfriends too much about my personal life. Then later on it becomes the subject of gossip. Or a church friend may make a big point of befriending you, making you a fixture in their life and working to gain your trust, and then they just blow out of your life without so much as a backward glance.

Not surprisingly, ministry has a high burn-out rate. Nevertheless, God has been so good. Every Sunday I get to go and fellowship with a fantastic group of people. And I love them all. I realized that I just can't imagine not doing what we do. I don't want to do anything else. At least not until God finds something else for us to do.

And I still have a lot of growing up to do. God has a history of picking unlikely people to do His work. But he also helps them to accomplish all tasks for His Glory and His Honor. Praise the Lord for that.

Time for bed. Tomorrow I get to go praise God with a roomful of His people. How cool is that?

-EJ