As much as I my husband and I would love to have 2-3 more children, we have come to the conclusion we are both too old to continue. We worry about how fair it would be to the child to be born to parents that might not live to see them grow up.
With that said, we had decided to do something about it. We have no insurance but the local health department had arranged everything free of charge. All we had to do was go see a doctor in Eugene. We left home this morning and made the two hour drive.
Everything felt wrong from the moment we got there. I had a check in my spirit almost upon leaving the vehicle. The office we went to was surrounded by others in a sort of medical complex. Still, I thought it odd that the parking lot had clinic "attendant". Inside, we noticed all the windows were closed and covered with dark curtains. The room was silent, unhappy, and filled with young women.
It didn't take long for Phil and I to become suspicious. When a girl exited the back office crying on the shoulder of a friend, we couldn't stay silent any longer. I approached the front desk and asked the older woman there if this clinic also performed pregnancy terminations. She replied yes. As I nodded at Phil he got up quickly and left the building. "We won't be keeping our appointment today", I informed the woman.
Outside, my poor husband was in quite a state. We both felt miserable and sick to our stomachs. We praised God for opening our eyes, ate a somber lunch and headed home.
There is so much sadness I feel about this that I don't even know how to express it. All those girls were so young. Most of them had equally young boyfriends sitting next to them. It seemed to me they were making fear-based decisions with no rational thought process. The loss of life was staggering. Phil and I would glady have raised any and all of those babies if the parents didn't want them.
Don't hear me wrong. I am not passing judgement or trotting out self-righteous anger. But I ache for those girls. And for their babies. And for my many friends who so desperately want a child. So we came home and hugged our little boy very tightly. And our big kids too. There is nothing else to say.
2 comments:
Oh, this used to make me angry when I lost my first baby. Now it just makes me sad for them. They've lost a baby just like I have (granted, there are differences in the circumstances, but it is still a loss). They might not realize it now, at least not the full magnitude of that decision, but slowly in time they will most likely find themselves grieving for those babies. Someday when they find themselves with another baby in their arms, they'll realize what they gave up. Or worse yet, if they find themselves losing a baby by natural means it will just compound their grief and loss. I wish I could talk to them and tell them in some way that being able to carry a baby is a gift, that's it isn't easy for everyone, that they can't know if they'll get another chance.
Well,what can be said when you witness a life altering event in the life of a stranger and your heart aches for her but you know she could care less what you think. Life's experience has jaded our views and to know the life long guilt associated with the loss of a child will only gorw and fester in the life of those afraid of the gift of life. Love you, Phil nd your convictions. Kimmy
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